Facts that you have learnt through your own stupidity

Thursday, 31 March 2011
Throughout time man has discovered, and evolved upon the shoulders of stupid people. What fruits and seeds are poisonous, whether you can wrestle a shark, and that sticking your penis in a hoover doesn't really simulate a good romp.

So post what you have learnt through your own acts of idiocy, forgetfulness and general will to explore the boundaries of man, nature and the universe.

Here's a few of my own:

1) Putting arm bands on your ankles when you are 7 and jumping into the pool will result in you nearly drowning and needing to be saved by the lifeguard

2) Don't wash the u-bend out in the sink you are unblocking.

3) You may like bacon, and you may like curry, but you will NOT like bacon curry.

4) That if a mouse somehow manages to get in the tubing of your washing machine, turning it on may be one way of lazily resolving the problem. However, after going away for a few days and returning to the house, your entire kitchen may be infested with about 200 flies, and replacing the food and having to bleach the entire place, cutlery etc may cost more than a mousetrap. You'll also feel amazingly guilty at your method of vermicide

5) Holding your mouth shut so you dont puke means it just comes out your nose

Libyan Rebels.

Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Has there ever been a shittier rebel army than this Libyan rabble. Fucking shambles.

Every day I see these guys running around the desert in trackies, going mental for the cameras, shooting all their ammo in the air and dancing around on tanks.  Then the minute the other lot shoot back they all panic and beat a hasty retreat in pick-up trucks.

We've effectively allied ourselves with the keystone kops!

There is no organisation on the ground from the rebels and the only way they can possibly win is if the coalition sends in ground troops.

This constant revision of what can and can't be done to help the rebels seem a bit ominous? No fly zone becomes bombing shit out of Gaddaffi becomes arming rebels could become send troops to "train" rebels.

Idiot workmates....

Tuesday, 29 March 2011
So I was doing work placement last year, the Irish Times ran a story about the Spire in Dublin saying it was dismantled overnight, shipped to The States, and then re-built in Vegas. They showed a picture of a hole in the ground (which came from when it was being constructed initially), and also a photoshopped image of it forming part of the Vegas skyline. Yes, the date was April 1st.

My boss, a qualified accountant, couldn't quite grasp this, got a bit hysterical saying "Oh my god, the spire is gone!". I don't think I ever respected her after that.

The same place at Christmas had a pub quiz type thing in the office, I wound up on the same team as two lads who are spectacularly stupid about every single thing in life with the exception of the job they've miraculously found.

Anyway, one jokey sort of question was "which part of a man's body gets ten times bigger when he gets excited." cue a few laughs and the obvious guesses at pupil and so on.

The best guess they could manage, out of everything you could possibly think of, was 'brain.' they honestly thought this might be correct.

The correct answer, for those that care, is the pupil.

So I'm at the gym today....

Monday, 28 March 2011
I don't take the gym seriously, it isn't my life, far from it in fact. I go for 45 minutes before university to do some training to keep me fit for football and since I started I've seen some startling sights in my time. A guy playing game boy sat on an excersise bike for example, women reading magazines on weight lifting benches, many people talking on the phone but this one takes the biscuit.

I was half way through my routine, streaming with sweat and struggling and noticed someone sat next to me on the bike, I look over and was actually startled, I stopped peddling and stared at this fat clown peddling about 10rpm with a KFC burger and a drink. It completely knocked me off my stride. . . in fact it ruined it, I had to get off five minutes later as my shock turned into disgust. Honestly what's the point in wasting the money. The clown probably tells people he's really trying his hardest and cant understand why he's gaining weight.

Speaking of gyms, I joined the gym a good few years back with a a mate of mine. It was one of those where you pay the entire year up front, anyway, we joined, went along one night after school for our first workout and hit the cardio room, both of us on a treadmill, I was only on the treadmill for 10 mins by which time he's gone through the whole lot of cardio equipment and told me he was off to the weights room....

5 minutes later he returned, bottle of coke from the machine in hand, saying "theres some big bastards in there"...And then told me he'd done enough!

Spoke to him the day after in class and he'd called at the chippy on the way home for tea as well, I never saw him again at the gym!

Tales of drunken behaviour

Sunday, 27 March 2011
We've all been there, we've all had moment that we would like to forget caused by alcohol.

First night out of the new term and I hadn't drunk in about a month, nor had I eaten much that day, so it was never going to end well.

Went out with my mate, his bird, and his bird's mate to a bar in Galway. After a rather large amount of alcohol in a relatively short time, I was drunk. Looking back, my memory cut out around midnight. It was one of those odd moments where one minute I was in the bar having fun, the next I was waking up.

Except, I wasn't waking up in my bed. I was waking up on the floor of my room. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing on the floor as the bed was literally a foot away. I peeled my face from the carpet and looked round. My room was completely empty. I'm talking curtains, bed covers, sheets, absolutely everything. It was just me, in the middle of the floor of an empty room.

I thought I'd been hit by the world's most thorough burglars.

For about 10 seconds I was in blind panic and confusion, until I got up to check the kitchen and spotted the note pinned to the inside of the door. "We've left you here. We don't want to talk to you". It turns out I'd drunk myself unconscious, and had to be dragged up 4 flights of stairs, whereby I'd been simply left in a spare room on the other side of campus.

I'd also apparently been going to the bar having run out of money, ordering my drinks, then ordering the bar maid to put it on the tab. There was no tab.

Bad Neighbours

Saturday, 26 March 2011
Loud music until about 2am, irritating yes but I'm not one to talk. However going out into his garden at 6am with some loud mouthed girl blabbering at top of their voices about the new HD television she's going buy - pretty annoying. 

I wish I said something but its tricky though isn't it. You don't want to come across as the arsehole that comes around to complain about the noise. Clearly the best course of action is to moan about it anonymously on the internet.

Being a bit of a gutless coward confrontation is not much of an option. Does anyone have much experience dealing with bad neighbours?

Dating someone with a disability?

Friday, 25 March 2011
Last weekend I was in a nightclub in Dublin where a group of guys in electric wheelchairs were wheeling around the dance floor (not synchronized). One of them couldn't speak but he had a little screen to type on. I noticed he was talking to an attractive bird, he typed something along the lines of 'I might be disabled but my cock is fully active if you want to find out later. 

Anyway this got me thinking about dating a girl with a disability. I used to quite fancy a barmaid in my local who has a wonky leg. When she walks behind the bar she moves up and down all the time like its really uneven behind it. She is an attractive girl and really nice but I don't think I could be able to get the messed up leg out of my mind.  

So has anyone ever had an encounter with someone with a disability or would you be able to handle dating someone with a disability?

I hope you had a better night than me

Thursday, 24 March 2011
It was pissing rain last night so my 5 a-side football match was canceled. With nothing to do me and a friend went to see the film Battle: Los Angeles

Utter abortion of a film - I can't believe nobody realised just how shit it was while they were making it. It had absolutely nothing going for it apart from how laughably terrible it is. Horrific script that was probably just copied and pasted from other disaster films and a narrative that was so untidy you wonder how they stumbled to the "conclusion" they did.

You know how this movie ends before you even buy your ticket, but I won't give it away. All I will say is there's a moment in the movie where it should end (all of the pointless, retarded narrative threads have a possible chance of being tied up at this point) but the director clearly found some money in a drawer somewhere and decided some more shit needed blowing up. So he adds another 45 minutes to this bloated joke of a film.

I wasn't expecting Citizen Kane, but I at least wanted Deep Impact. Truly shocking. 2/10

So I get home at around 11pm and see that The Happening is about to start. Now I had never seen The Happening before but I'd heard how bad is was meant to be, having seen one terrible film I thought what the hell how could this be any worse..........

The worst films I have ever seen, and I've seen Torque. Dialogue was terrible, so many characters who drifted in and out of the story while adding absolutely nothing to it and as for the main characters. This was my face while watching it:

I honestly can't work out what M. Night Shamalamalamalan was trying to do with it. It felt as though he was making a ham-fisted "nature is all-powerful and will beat man when it wants to". What a thunderingly shit film. 

1/10 that one point is because you get to look at Zooey Deschanel.

After last night I am truly losing the will to live.

Stories of embarrassing yourself

Wednesday, 23 March 2011
I was late for a lecture but had not got the e-mail that the room had been changed, So I opened the door only to realise I'd walked into the wrong room, say "Sorry", some people started laughing and I got a bit embarrassed. So I go into the next room along, but I'd forgotten it's actually another door into the same room, so I  interrupt the lecture again and sees the same people yet again but from a different angle, cue everyone (lecturer included) pissing themselves laughing.......

Cheer me up with similar stories you might have.

Moments in your life where you have been filled with dread

Tuesday, 22 March 2011
I've had a few and there's no worse feeling - that sinking in the pit of your stomach. The worst is when you know you've done something, know you're going to get into shit for it but aren't quite sure when it is going to happen.

In my case getting robbed in work ( an off-licence) when I was 19. Some bollox came into the shop with a hammer, started smashing the counter and screaming at me to "get him the fucking till". Which I did, fully expecting him to go be on his way but.he wasn't content with just threatening me with a hammer though. To add insult to injury, on his way out the door with his loot he lobbed a few bottles of wine at me, just for giggles.

On a serious note , I remember as a child being filled with dread as I road my bicycle towards a kerb. That's not very exciting, I hear you scream, but in my case I was riding no handed and had a 99 Ice Cream (with flake) in each hand. I realised I wasn't going to make it up the curb without lifting the handle bars and proceeded to stack the bike and cover myself in Ice Cream. I think I cried as well.

So anyone have an examples of when you have been filled with utter dread?